if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
