Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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