you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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