dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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