Who wears a wallet chain?!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
