So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
