so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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