im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
