community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
