Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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