If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
