Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm at about main and main street
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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