woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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