I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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