My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
