You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
my liver is dry heaving
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
