Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
