My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
