I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
