It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
