i would punch a child for taco bell
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
