Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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