There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
