No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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