Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
farters have to be the big spoon...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
