Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
well you can't waste a boner
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
