I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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