so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
