its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
nutella sex= disaster
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
