The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
