Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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