Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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