i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
