That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
