i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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