And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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