I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
