Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
