highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
