I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
