I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
