hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
