I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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