Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So many bounce houses so little time
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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