you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
