Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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