That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
