sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize