I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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