I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
