then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
